The following are the instructions included with the incredibly nifty travel alarm clock/calculator/picutre frame the lovely (and generous) kazac gave me last night. The device is fantastic, but the instructions are even better. What I've typed below is, after three proofreads, exactly what the instructions say, including all punctuation and spacing. To be fair, their spacing did a much better job of full justification than this font does. On the other hand, I've made this infinitely easier for you to follow by putting the sections in order.

What does that mean? Well, you see the {break} lines below? The instructions come on a tri-fold leaflet (which should actually be called a bi-fold leaflet or a tri-panel leaflet, but that's a rant for another day), with column one to the left of a fold, column two on the center panel, and column three on the right. HOWEVER: the text you see after the first {break} is NOT the bottom half of column one, as you might expect. Instead, it's the top half of column two. The text you see after the second break is the bottom half of column one. That's right—to read the instructions in order, you have to read halfway down column one, then halfway down column two, then halfway down column three, CRLF, bottom half column one, bottom half column two, bottom half column three.

No, there isn't a crease running horizontally across the whole thing.

In any event, I present to you:

( OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS: )

*Of course, they didn't actually use a slash, they used the gradeschool dot-bar-dot division sign, but that doesn't even exist in the ANSI character set

**Notably, it takes exactly one battery.

Confidential to assfingers:

Have you contacted anyone useful in re: the dryer?